First Blogging Experience

Its 02.50 AM, and I have suddenly decided to start an online blog! My mind is overflowing with multiple chains of thoughts, connected at some random events of past. As if I were going round and round on a large flyway, touching the same roads again and again, and not knowing how to exit!

Here I am, on the bed, with lights and AC on, eyes fatigued but refusing to shut down for the day, and the mind now wondering what name I should give to this blog. Something philosophical like “So Far” or “Heart to Heart”, or something exotic like “life of a shibumi”, or something just plain simple – “PushpDant’s blog”. I like the last one. It’s simple, self explanatory, and gives me a chance to flaunt my name, without sounding propagandistic. I have always been a bit too proud of my name since it was given by Guruji (almost 2 years back). Even though that pride might be an obstacle on my path - being attached to a name even when it was given to make me realize that everything changes, even a name - I still love it. What a happy illusion!

I had been contemplating to go full-time with AoL since late last year, prompted by the thought that I will turn 30 soon, and that’s half a lifetime gone, without having done much which I could be really proud of. But of course, before taking that important decision, much more thinking had to be done, followed by discussions with stakeholders in my life, and followed by aggressive convincing – intellectually and emotionally. I had to be absolutely sure myself.

After brooding over this for a few months, and with a few questions still in my mind, I softly asked Guruji at the end of one of the advanced courses at Bangalore ashram – “Should I become full-time”. My question wasn’t even completely uttered, and promptly came a reply – “Haan haan, tu aur kya karega” (translated: yeah, what else will you do). With that went away any trace of doubt that I might still have had. If there’s really nothing else I should do, then just go ahead and take the plunge. Leave your easy and comfortable job, that too with a loan on your head, to do what? Probably sweep the floors at the ashram! And how to convince everyone at home? IIT+MBA+Expectations! But I was mentally prepared, and knew I would be happier doing anything for H. H. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, than earning value for a bunch of speculative traders on the stock market, for whom almost every company works for these days.

It must be true that there is a right time for everything. I had asked him the same question almost 4.5 years back at Delhi. And he had told me in a few jumbled up sentences, to the effect that 1) wait for 5 years, 2) earn some money, and 3) come to ashram. I hadn’t realized the importance of these words at that time; it sounded like just some mumbo jumbo. But now, it all made complete sense. Not just complete, but astonishing sense. The time was now right, or maybe 0.5 years later.

Having got the “Yes”, the next question in my mind was “When”. I asked him about this at the airport next day, but rarely is he known to give more than one clear answer. “Choice is yours blessing is mine” is his standard reply. At the airport we walked a full 150 meter length together from the security check to the boarding gate, and I kept thinking when and how to ask. Isn’t that something for me to decide on my own? Is there a need for asking? On the other hand I didn’t want to decide too late, since you never know what plans he already has made for you, and you don’t want to lose any good opportunities just because of your dilly-dallying. Moreover, if he does tell you a date or time, it’s also like a blessing, because of which any other remaining obstacles would just fall apart, and make my transition happen anyhow by that date or time, in the smoothest possible manner. But this time he wasn't so benevolent on me. Although he didn’t say “Choice is yours…”, he told me, “Whenever, wind up and come”.

By when do I wind up!? How long do I take to wind up!? There are things I could wind up in a day. Just pack my bags and go to ashram. Or I could take another 5 years to wind up - to service my loan, among other things. Things were unclear in my head. A few weeks later he came down to Delhi for some work. Spotting me in a large crowd (an extraordinary ability he has always had), he asked me what I had decided. Under some strange compulsive force, and not having any real reason behind saying it, I said “end of March”. Done. Everything decided now. Later I realized that it meant some financial loss to me because of company’s bonus/resignation policies, but I had already given my word. I wouldn’t go back on my word, even to a beggar on the street. And now this is a word given to the Master. What's money before that!

Now, finally being a full-timer, am happy to have realized what I had hoped for. A life of giving, although with its own set of turmoils, has much more worth, than a life of exchanging, and more often than not, just asking. And what propels one is only the intention to serve. An intention to which one can never be dishonest. Because it comes up only after having achieved a certain sense of honesty with oneself. And unlike other motivations which keep getting metamorphosed, this can’t really change or die down. Because it is a result of other motivations having lived their cycle and matured through successive moments of realization.

In Delhi for sometime now, working with the Government Programs team, and will soon be based at the Bangalore ashram (still 0.25 years remaining I guess!) - not sweeping floors though. And I hope I continue writing on this blog, that too at much saner hours! Thanks for reading :)